As a young girl twirled inside the San Joaquin Pride Center, the hem of her white sundress lifting with each spin, James Patnaude remembers seeing happiness radiate across her face.
The dress would be the first she would ever own after coming out to friends as transgender, found inside the center’s free or pay-what-you-wish gender-affirming clothing closet.
A memory Patnaude “holds on” to, it’s also a scene he’s seen countless times.
“It’s like the flicker of life in their eyes is back,” said Patnaude, the center’s transgender advocacy coordinator, of people he’s seen use the center’s clothing space, dubbed the “queer closet,” which was created in 2019. “They might be a little drawn in, quiet, stiff. And when they come out, (they’re) just relaxed and happy.”
What started as a single clothing rack in the Pride Center’s front area has since grown into a dedicated room at the nonprofit’s new downtown location. From dresses and button-ups to trans-affirming garments like chest binders, tucking underwear and breast forms, the closet has something for everyone to reflect their authentic selves, Patnaude said.
At times, the closet can draw a crowd, like it did during Finn Harris’ first visit to the center for a youth night. Stepping away from a round of Dungeons & Dragons, Harris saw a handful of teens browsing the racks. By the end of the night, Harris had forgotten about the game, distracted by a pair of corduroy pants they would later take home.
“It’s like a thrifting type thing,” said Harris, who has since added a green mushroom tee (a break from their usual dark, monochrome style) and a cross necklace to their everyday style.
While the closet can feel like thrifting, Patnaude said it also gives people a space to pick out clothes without the worry of feeling questioned or judged. It’s a feeling Patnaude knows firsthand. When he came out as trans at 14 to friends, the thought of shopping in the men’s section of a retail store was “scary” because he feared being harassed.
But at the closet, Patnaude said, nobody judges. “Bottom line is, it is a safe space.”
For Patnaude, the closet offers a “bridge” between finding clothes one feels good in and gaining the confidence to shop for clothing elsewhere.
“We all express ourselves through our clothing, whether or not we recognize that. And for a lot of the trans community, we are very aware that our clothing is representative of who we are,” he said. “Being able to just give folks clothes that make them feel good, even if they’re not trans, it’s just really important, I think, for everybody.”
Harris has made it a point to tell their friends about the closet, many of whom are trans and looking for gender-affirming garments like chest binders or tucking underwear, or even clothes that “just feel more like them.”
Before the closet opened, the garments were the Pride Center’s most requested items, Patnaude said. And although some cheap options exist online, they can be made of material that is considered unsafe, he added.
It’s why the center rolled out its “Trans Affirming Garment,” or TAG, program. Sitting on a top shelf inside the closet, TAG kits can include garments like boxers, chest binders and packers. They also come with brochures, including one that explains how to safely wear and care for the garments.
“It’s so important that our clients have access to safe garments,” said Patnaude, describing several instances when trans youth visiting the center said they used duct tape to compress their bodies. “You have to do it safely.”
Since their first visit, Harris has made sure to visit the closet whenever they can, seeing it through its many transitions as it has moved with each of the center’s new locations. Along with the rest of the center, it’s helped them feel comfortable in their body again.
“It helps me with my self-expression,” Harris said. “ Express myself in ways that I don’t know how to describe.”